You're Tho Thtupid, ED
by Derp-For-Homestuck
Summary: Eridan and Sollux have a weird love-hate relationship thing going on. It works, for the most part. It would be all great and fine and stuff, you know, if the sexual tension between the two wasn't driving their friends up the walls. Humanstuck, teen for Karkat, and maybe a one-shot? I don't know, you decide.


Your name is Eridan Ampura. You have a beautiful girlfriend that you only love in a friend way, but you can't bring yourself up to tell her. Tell her that, and the fact your gay. Maybe Monday at school you will, but probably not. You make pretty good grades in school and are on the swim team with your girlfriend. You hate pretty much everyone but can't even fathom why no one likes you. You are an annoying asshat with a speech impediment that you hate. You hate everything about yourself, really. It's sad how much you hate yourself. Almost as much as you hate Sollux Captor. You sort of have a kind of love-hate friendship kind of thing going on with him right now. All of that would be nice and fine and dandy, you know, if you didn't want him to plow you into a mattress, that is.

You shudder the unwanted (not fully unwanted) thoughts out and try to focus on what you are doing.

Good god, what ARE you doing?

You are attempting to make something for Sollux. He likes bees right? You're pretty sure you remember him screaming something along the lines of that to you at some point. Whatever, you think he's going to love it.

This...this is a mess. Congratulations, you made a giant mess for the love of your life. He's going to swoon at the sight of this.

You groan and throw your hands up in frustration. This is a disaster. Maybe you should ask Feferi for her help.

No, she would freak out if you did. Or something. You don't know, maybe she would be okay with making something for him. It would the perfect way to work in the fact you don't love her the way she loves you.

Nope.

...

Be Sollux.

You are now Sollux Captor. A bipolar genius with a slight lisp and amazing coding abilities. You are single, but that doesn't really matter to you. You only have eyes for one person and he kind of hates your guts. Whatever, not like you care. You are asexual and don't need anyone to take care of you. Other than you being in denial and you are a total prick sometimes, you're life isn't all that bad. You make straight A's without even trying and pretty much just stay to yourself. You figure if you don't bother anyone, they won't bother you. You're a pretty nice guy, despite all your mood swings, and you tend to help out people in need. When you feel like it, that is. You have a weird addiction to honey, and slather the shit on everything. EVERYTHING, MAN. You wonder for only a moment what Eridan would look and taste like slathered in honey...

Stop. Why would you even think that? Man, I thought you were in denial about being completely in love with him?

No, you really like him. A lot. You can't get him out of your head. He makes you want to scream, making you feel all weird and fuzzy inside and shit. Stupid bastard.

Too bad he has a girlfriend. Whatever, like you care.

You care. You want him to date YOU, not HER. Don't get me wrong, you like her in a friend way...she's just dating the one person you have ever cared about in any way besides Mituna. Just you love them in different ways.

Speaking of the older Captor...

...

Be Mituna. You are now Mituna Captor.

You have a worse lisp than your younger brother, Sollux. But that doesn't matter to you. You don't even notice it, really. You are always too busy looking at the brighter side of everything. You love everyone and have a weird obsession with bees. You need to work on your homework right now, but Sollux is still working on his computer. You worry about him sometimes. You worry he may never love anyone. You know that's a lie. You can see that he's in love. He just denies it and won't talk to you about it.

Whatever. He can deal with his problems himself. You can try to help him from the sidelines, but you are really clumsy and can't really do anything without Sollux ever finding out. The sneaky bastard always knows when you're up to something. Always.

...

Now be the sneaky bastard.

You are now Sollux.

Sneaky bastard? What? How are you being sneaky right now? You guess you are a bastard since your parents never married, but still...

"Tuna, what are you doing?" you ask, looking over at your older brother.

He's in your room. In your bed. And he won't leave.

"Jutht hanging out with my bro." he replies, cocooning himself in your blankets. You can only sigh and roll back over to your desk.

"Whatever. I have work to do." you tell him. When he doesn't say anything, you let out another sigh and take a moment to glance over at him. He looks peaceful and adorable. He always looks adorable. He's the older one, but you always feel like you are the more mature of the two of you.

You crack your knuckles and are about to start working on some gaming codes you have been working on when someone decides to text you. You look over at your old black and yellow phone with disdain but read the message anyways.

'YOU ASSHAT. DID YOU FORGET, OR ARE YOU JUST BEING A DICK AND NOT SHOWING UP AGAIN? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY SOLLUX THIS IS A DOUCHE MOVE. EITHER WAY I CANT BELIEVE YOU AREN'T HERE YET. SHE'S YOUR STUPID GIRLFRIEND ANYWAYS.'

Oh shit! You completely forgot about Aradia's birthday today! She's going to be so pissed! Thank gog Karkat texted you!

Karkat. He's your best friend. In a way. He's really a nice guy, you swear. He just has some serious anger issues.

You roll your eyes and quickly text him back.

'2orry, kk. I got 2iidetracked. Forgot. Ii'll bee there 2oon. AND 2HE'2 NOT MY GIIRLFRIIEND.'

She is NOT your girlfriend. You don't really like her that way. She asked you out a couple of months ago, but you explained things to her and she totally freaked out about your crush on Eridan. Not in a bad way, per-say. She started 'fangirling'. And truthfully, it freaked you the fuck out.

Whatever.

You look over at Mituna one last time before grabbing Aradia's wrapped gift from your dresser and hurry out the door.

...

Be Eridan

You sigh and come to the conclusion you need to ask Feferi for help. Just lie. Tell her something like it's for a school project or something.

Or you could just not because no. But you need to finish this before next week!

Why, what's next week?

Oh, right...prom.

The dreadful day looms over you and causes a snake to coil in your stomach. You want to ask Sollux to the stupid dance, but you are still dating Feferi. Besides, he's straight anyways.

At least, you THINK he is. You're pretty sure, but not really totally sure. He could be asexual for all you know!

That just happens to be the only thing about the stupid bipolar jerk that you DONT know. You know his favorite color, favorite food, favorite thing to do, where he hides his stash of honey in his room, his favorite place to hang out, his favorite band, favorite song, when he's upset, and worst of all...you know he hates you.

That, you know for a compete and total fact. And it hurts to know.

Whatever, you hate him too! Not like you really care or anything...you just want to fuck him. It's just lust, nothing more.

You don't care about his eyes...one blue and one red-brown. You don't care about the stupid way his smile makes your heart decide 'hey, why not do gymnastics?'. Or about when he comes just a little too close and you can smell the honey from his shampoo. definitely don't care about the way he always hides his eyes and you just want to take those stupid 3D glasses off his face and kiss him-

You're supposed to not care, remember? Then why do you keep thinking about him?

No reason, you tell yourself. None whatsoever.

In the middle of your internal battle with yourself, your girlfriend calls you and you answer.

She is only upset for a few moments over the fact you forgot about your friend Aradia's birthday. Only for a few moments. You promise to go to pick her up so you can go to the party together and she is happy again.

Why can't you just tell her already? You really are a horrible boyfriend.

...

Be the birthday girl

You are now Aradia and you have no idea why the short and shout-y one is still here.

"Karkat, I said you could leave if you wanted to." you remind him again, for the third time. He still hasn't stated why he wasn't left yet, though you believe it has something to do with a certain blind girl that keeps licking his face because of the 'delicious red' that is painted across his checks.

You wonder for a moment where your best friend is. But the moment you start to think about him, he shows up at your door.

"AA! I'm here! Thorry I took tho long to get here!" he shouts from outside. You roll your eyes and move to get the door.

He is your favorite dork and you don't know what you would do without him. He is stupid, granted, but you wouldn't have him any other way.

You take a moment to wonder if maybe Eridan and Feferi are going to show up. Feferi DID say she would try to get her boyfriend out of the house for the party, but you aren't so sure she can convince him to come.

"Hey Sollux." you greet, opening the door wide enough for him to slip through before shutting it again.

"Hey, got you thomething." he mumbles, shoving the box into your hands. You smile and give him a quick hug.

Sure, you still might have a slight crush on the dual-eye-colored dork, but you find yourself feeling more and more pale towards him.

Pale? What the everliving fuck does that even mean?

You have no idea, but don't really care.

You might even find yourself looking at someone with more...deep...STRONG...blue eyes.

"You good, AA? You're thpacing off." Sollux asks, waving a hand in front of your face. You blink several times and smile at him.

"I'm fine." you reassure him. He smiles back and you both make your way to were Terezi and Karkat are both hanging out at. No one else has showed up yet and you are half-thankful for that.

You didn't want very many people over for your party, but Kanaya and Terezi both requested (more like demanded) that, for your 18 birthday, you would throw a big party and have everyone over.

Yes, that's right, you are now officially an adult. You can vote now, even though you wont because you think it's stupid.

The door bell rings and you stand to get it.

"Sit, birthday girl. I got it." Karkat grumbles as he stands to get the door. You frown for a moment before turning to Sollux.

"So, anyways, how are things with you and Eridan?" you ask, and take note the way his face flushes a pretty pink. Terezi licks his face and smiles.

"You almost taste as delicious as Karkitty." she all but sings to him. You let out a laugh that stops when Nepeta jumps into your lap.

"Aradia!" she purrs.

You and the kat loving shipper have been getting increasingly close as the years go by. Mostly because of you're increase in time spent with a certain STRONG football player.

"Happy birthday, Aradia." said STRONG...oh god stop saying it like that...football player mumbles as he sits next to you.

You feel your face heat and you smile at him. He smiles back and you turn just in time to notice Feferi and Eridan take their spots next to each other across from you.

"Thup FF." Sollux smiles to her from beside you. Eridan glares at him for a moment, before his eyes take on a different emotion.

Of course you know Eridan likes Sollux. Will you ever tell the stupid bipolar idiot sitting next you?

Now why the everliving fuck would you do that? It would spoil all the fun. They can work things out by themselves.

You are pretty sure that even Feferi knows about the stupid love-hate thing her boyfriend has with her best friend. The love-hate thing that is really mostly just ill-shown love. You are pretty sure she is just waiting for Eridan to tell her himself. You are fine with that, just as long as your stupid little dork doesn't get hurt.

"Hey, who all ith going to be here?" your stupid little dork asks. You shrug.

"I'm not all that sure myself, Kanaya said she would handle everything." you answer.

Kanaya. She is a favorite of yours. She has always been the nicest person you knew. Her and that Rose girl started dating a while ago and you find them to be the cutest things ever. Almost as cute as the STR-you said you would stop saying it like that.

Just as you glance over at the jock next to you, Eridan's phone goes off. He answers it and frowns.

He shuts his phone after a moment of listening and looks at you. You are only momentarily upset that he didn't say anything to the person on the other end.

"Dave and John are running late with Gamzee. Dave said the juggalo is high as all motherfuck right now and is trying to eat his hands again." he says, looking from you to Sollux, then back to you. He glances over to the blonde again before flushing and staring at his girlfriend.

You are pretty sure she knows he likes Sollux. Pretty sure.

...

Be the oblivious girlfriend.

Your name is Feferi Peixis and you are NOT oblivious!

You know very well that your stupid boyfriend has a huge glubbing crush on your best friend. You just don't say anything because, what glubbing fun would that be?

No, you would MUCH rather them work it out themselves. It seems more fun that way.

Besides, you like playing pretend gillfrond with Eridan! Not as much as you would like him to man the fuck up and confess how he feels.

You wonder if he will finally own up to them before prom and ask out Sollux. You hope so, you would hate to have to take matters into your own hands.

"So what are we going to do while we wait?" Karcrab asks from his seat next to Terezi. You know he likes her. He likes her SOOOO much its funny.

"OH! We could play spin the bottle!" you shout happily. What a great idea, you think. And, if you are lucky, the two stupid idiots might end up-

"No, fuck that. I'm leaving if we do." the blond stupid idiot says, standing to leave. Aradia pulls him back down and smirks.

"Terezi, what do you think of the idea?" she asks, turning to said red-glasses clad girl.

"Oh hell yes, where do you keep the drinks?" Terezi asks, standing already. You stand as well to help her.

"NO! Fuck no! We are NOT playing that stupid game!" Karcrab shouts at the both of you. You just smile at him and start for the kitchen.

"They're in here." you sing happily. You know your way around Aradia's house. You have been here many times before.

"Perfect." Terezi pretty much purrs from behind you.

...

Be the pissed off shorty

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you swear to fuck you are NOT IN ANY WAY SHORT!

Those stupid girls! You can't believe they are actually making you do this! This is stupid! Whatever, you decide it would be all that bad.

Who knows, you might even get to kiss one of those stupid girls with the stupid red glasses.

You don't like her! You don't like her in any way, you swear! Nope, you don't.

Maybe a little.

...

Be other stupid girl.

You can't be the other stupid girl, you are too busy being the stupid blond boy gawking at the stupid hipster.

...

You are Sollux again and god you need to stop staring at him like that.

But he's so perfect...and how the hell is he so ripped and still such a dork?

His toned muscles ripple through his tight fitting shirt as he struggles against FF to get the bottle from her hands.

"Stop this!" he shouts, tugging at the bottle more.

"Never!" she giggles back, pulling the bottle from his grasp and putting in the middle of the make-shift circle.

You take a shaky gulp and stare at the empty bottle of vodka. Before anything can happen, though, the door rings again and you let out a breath.

"I GOT IT!" You shout, jumping up and sprinting towards the door.

You open the door and almost scream at the sight before you.

That stupid douchebagged prick!

...

Be the douchebagged prick.

You can't be the cool amazingly awesome kid yet, so you decide to instead be the dorky loser standing next to him.

...

Your name is John Egbert and you just ignore that comment for the moment.

"Hey Sollux!" You shout bubbly. You push past Dave and the sleeping Gamzee and into the house. "Where is everyone?" you ask. Sollux points anger-ly towards Aradia's room in the back and goes to help Dave with the stoner slung across his shoulders.

...

You are Aradia again and you can't believe they actually got Gamzee to come. He's asleep right now, but he's still here.

You two don't really get along all that much, but you try your best not to let that show when Dave and Sollux shove the sleeping idiot onto your bed.

He mumbles something in his sleep, but doesn't actually wake. You don't mind, just as long as he stays asleep.

"So, we gonna start this game or not?" Dave asks as he sits down next to Terezi and pulls John to sit on the other side of him. Karkat growls again and stands to leave. Terezi laughs her breathy laugh and tugs him back down.

"Hell yes!" she shouts and spins.

...

You are suddenly the cool kid.

Your name is Dave Strider and this is the best day of your life.

The weirdo blind girl (who you love in a strange brotherly kind of way) next to you spun and it landed on the fish girl. That was kinda weird, but that's not why this is the best day of your life.

When it finally came around to your turn, it just so happened to land on the dork sitting on the other side of you.

He kept spouting nonsense about he's "NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, DAVE" but you didn't listen and slammed your lips to his.

He kissed you back. Hard.

Not a homosexual, your ass.

...

Be the one about to take your turn.

Oh look, your Sollux again.

You spin, half hoping for it to land on the stupid hipster.

It doesn't. You let out a sigh of relief and disappointment and look up at who you have to kiss. You frown and shake your head.

"No, fuck no. I'm not doing it." you say over and over again, but she giggles and hops over to you.

"Don't worry, Sollux, I won't bite." she purrs. You don't believe her when she says that.

"Ya, come on. I had to kiss fishgirl, so shut the fuck up and kiss the cat." TZ says with that stupid shit-eating smirk still plastered on her face. You glare at her, but allow the crazy shipper girl to kiss you.

True to your belief, she bites your lip as she leans back away.

You frown and roll your eyes.

"Oops." she mumbles with a smile as she settles back in Aradia's lap.

She spins and it lands on the space where John used to be.

Wait, when did he leave? Furthermore, when did DAVE leave? Oh hell. They are probably off somewhere sucking face again.

Aradia had to ask them to get a room and Dave just stared back at her. At least, you THINK he was staring back at her. You can't tell with those stupid sunglasses he always wears.

Nepeta giggles and spins again. It lands on Karkat and he pretty much just screams no and runs out the door.

She pouts and tells EQ to spin instead. He does so and starts to sweat when it lands on AA. You smile and watch them kiss quickly. She pulls him back for another and they end up leaving a moment later.

You have stopped smiling and you realize there are less people now. Which, in turn, probably means there is more of a chance you are going to end up kissing the hipster douche.

The door bell rings, Nepeta goes to get it, and you let out a sigh of relief.

...

Your name is Gamzee Makara and you have no motherfucking idea what you just woke up to. You have a pounding headache and Tavbro is sitting next to that spiderbitch you hate.

"What the motherfuck happened?" you ask no one and everyone. Solbro looks up at you and gives a weak smile.

"You came here passed out. Just to let you know, Dave and John are off somewhere sucking face and AA and EQ are probably doing the same. TV and VK just got here with KN and Rose." he fills you in quickly.

"AANNDD we are playing spin the bottle." spiderbitch tells you. You frown and take a seat next to Solbro and the fishgirl.

You don't remember her name. You don't care enough to ask.

"Where's Karbro?" you ask after a moment. Solbro shrugs and you shake your head. "Who's motherfucking turn is it then?" you then ask.

You wonder for a moment if you might get to kiss Tavbro. You would motherfucking love that.

...

Be the nervous idiot.

You are Eridan again and you are scared shitless.

It's your turn and you feel like throwing up.

Why did Fef have to leave? Why did she do this you?!

Not that you want to really kiss HER either. But you REALLY don't want to kiss anyone else here.

That's a lie. You really want to kiss Sollux, but there's no way in hell you are actually doing that. Not even if you got the chance to do it.

Okay, so you would totally kiss him if you had the chance, but you really hope you never get the chance. Well, just not tonight.

Karkat got back a while ago, with the help of Sollux convincing him to come back and play the stupid game.

This game is ridiculous. This whole party is ridiculous. Aradia is ridiculous for throwing this ridiculous party.

"Are you going to spin or whaaaaaaaat?" Vriska asks, glaring slightly at you for a moment. You roll your eyes, momentarily distracted and not worrying about it landing on the bipolar dickwad you are so crushing on.

You spin the stupid bottle.

Round and round it goes, taking a longer amount of time than you would like to stop. When it does, you shut your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath.

You look up and let out a mangled scream.

"NO. Hell no. Hell FUCKING no."

...

So that happened. Oi, people! You guuuuyyysss!

IO if you read this I'm going to scream, seriously bro. Don't even think about it.

Also, if you do end up somehow finding this with your *mass amounts* of intellect, leave a review you absolute douchemuffin.

As for everyone else, thanks for reading and please leave a review, thanks!


End file.
